“homeland” and the conversations of the night

On that starry night of August, we sat down on the sidewalk. We were a group of four, coming from different communities, cultures, and of three different religions as well. But who cares as long as we can find a way to understand each other and to feel each other. We worked in the same organization and lived in the same building, sometimes we ate together and almost every night we had that warm conversation on that blue bench on the nearby sidewalk where the desert breeze of Al-Qalamoon mounts can swirl through your soul like a river.
We were very different politically but as long as we all agree on the Co-existence of the Syrian people we always found a point of convergence.
Just on that starry night an idea popped out into a friend’s mind “Rafa” as he likes to be called. He asked “what does the word “homeland” mean to you?
Rafa is a Palestinian Syrian who lived his whole life in Al-yarmouk camp on the dream of his father and grandfather that someday they will be back to their homeland “Palestine” . the question seemed a little bit weird , easy and hard at the same time.
One of the girls said that it means to her the land where she’s born in, where her family is, and where she feels the 10494590_278462359008532_4751349425360802471_nbelonging. The other girl agreed on what the first said. She added also that homeland is where you can find people who understand you, share your fears and hopes …
I had a long breath before I could say anything. It’s really complicated to answer that Palestinian friend especially that he mentioned he wants to know the answer of people who have an ID and a passport and belong to a country unlike him who only has a temporary residency in Syria and who is not accepted in any country in this small world.
I said, homeland never had a specific meaning to me, it differs from time to time, it goes up and down. It was once where I felt love for the first time. And once where I lost love for the first time. It was once the reason why I am happy and the reason why I am tragic in other times. Homeland to me was where I could feel proud, safe and secure. Where I don’t have to hide my religion in order not to be slaughtered. Where I don’t have to pass under mortar shells. Where I can plan for tomorrow. Home land is not a piece of land. It’s where you find a meaning to your life. If it happened accidently to be where you were born and where your nationality is then it’s an easy issue for you, if not, then you have got to find your own.
I don’t know now if my words were just an emotional rush for all the disappointments I had here or if it’s really what I believe. It’s not easy to build a wall between what your deep beliefs are and what your temporary emotions are.
Later on… after few days. “Rafa” knocked the door of my apartment. He carried five books of the classical novels, one of them was Wuthering heights which I like to read over and over again. I would have been glad with that precious gift if I didn’t know he was planning to migrate illegally. And that was the reason why he asked about the meaning of the word “homeland” .
Now that I got his news and knew that he reached Greece so far after a very dangerous trip I felt relieved to write this post and share what he wrote on his facebook account :

“To my Dear friends, to those who feel excited and enthusiastic to leave my beloved Syria, I know I encouraged you all in a way or another to leave the way I was planning to, I renege with what I said to you especially after crossing the sea between Turkey and Greece… it’s a trip of death In every sense of the word designated only for the insane like me… again I renege…”

Some people strive to make a family, to build a home, to own a car… but Rafa’s dream was to find a homeland that compensates lost Palestine… I’ll pray for him to find it and to belong to it where ever that homeland was…


How I realized that ant and I resemble

I spent almost an hour today watching some small lovely ants. I let my imagination lead me deep into their busy lives. I think this small ant is still a kid, and that one is an ant who has a family, it looks quite big and strong (I don’t really know if ants have families but those hard workers must be working for something important I wanted to call “family” or “the will of life” or who knows what extinct it could be) .


How I realized the ant and I resemble

These ants were heading to their secret safe kingdom somewhere behind my door. I thought to myself “Oh these ants are too small to be seen for someone who’s walking, they must be in permanent danger”. I wonder how many of them I killed every time I went in and out of my room, though I have to admit I never noticed there are ants there before. I’m not the “animals’ rights person” but it was an interesting view to watch.

These ants went to collect their food all day long, despite the permanent danger they face, despite the fact that they may not come back again, and I – the one who kills without even giving a damn attention- don’t really care for this kid ant or for that “father “ ant as my imagination told me. This image brought back to my head another image on a bigger scale.

I and people like me – the one who kill ants without giving an attention- we are the victims of another system that’s being oppressed on earth. WE are the ants of this global system, I’ll tell you how;

Some countries or governments  (the big ones) want to pass to their goals like wealth, land control, water control, Oil control, and many other goals you know.. while they pass to fulfill their goals they turn on the WAR button, it’s a dangerous game like a gamble you either lose or win what you want, but who cares some politicians love the Adrenaline rush in their veins. What happens after they turn on that button? Some people (like me , like other Syrians, like Iraqis, Afghanis, Palestinians, etc…) will play the Ants part in this play. It’s the most pitiful harsh part in the play. People ants are used to gain support, their blood is used for propaganda, and their cries are only heard when it’s necessary. Ants in human war are us.. It’s such a blessing for real ants that their death isn’t being used to gain the support of other ant kingdoms, they must don’t know how shameful it is for human ants.

The war in Syria is more than two years long by now, If that massacre there serves my (as a politician)  political goals then all the world will know about it, I will use their blood to the last drop, I will even use their dry blood in the pictures if it serves my goals..

If it serves my goals I will clean the criminal’s hands in the international society and make them look as freedom fighters because this fighter ant is a loyal ant.. and while I pass there to take what I turned the war on for, I will pass on all the ants, fighter ants and peaceful ants they all look the same.

So , In the end of this Ants time I ended up feeling smaller than an ant, Russia and America (and some other powers in the background) made some deal that I don’t know what could do on the ground since I can’t believe media or even analysis, I and other Syrian ants are watching, wishing this would help them stop killing us. Hoping we are not too small to be seen for someone who’s walking.


Kerry – Lavrov


peace way


It’s really cold outside, though the spring is on the doors but the wind whistles outside makes me up all night. I’m not saying that I’m used to calm nights no of course , I’m used to clashes and heavy weapons sound but I can’t sleep when the wind whistles .

A pale white light is lighting my room.. I opened my laptop and signed in to facebook. Oh my lord what’s going on there? Why do people suddenly remember something called “Arab league” ever since I was born nothing came out of this useless bunch of crappy fat people. Now what’s new? Some people are mocking, some are angry, some are happy.. I think this is the first time they get this attention… oh wait what’s going on ?  aha now I get it .. they gave the Syrian seat to some new puppet and changed our flag without even asking us! How rude !

That means , they changed the president, the flag, and the government without even asking the F*** people they claim to defend…

it’s really the first time i feel how a Palestinian felt when Arabs made those conferences and spoke on behalf of them, sold their land and  begged for humanitarian aids.

Now we have a government inside the country that runs everything and a government outside that does nothing except taking their salaries from foreign countries and giving promises of future investments in the “virgin land” . a president inside the country that we know exactly who he is whether we love him or not , and a puppet president who came out of nowhere. And two flags, the one that I loved and drew in my 4 year old drawings the one that grabs my attention and catches my pupil when seen in the sky, and the other one that I know nothing about except that it was hung  behind every bunch of murderers  who slayed and tortured a Syrian.

How come they still DARE to call what’s happening in Syria a “civil war” !!! hell no it’s not a civil war. It’s a war made by those  big pigs behind their desks starving for blood and gas and oil. No it’s not a damn civil war, it’s their war by our hands.

You know what ? after all the hands that are playing inside Syria, after all the blood and tears, this is how the peace way looks like the illustration above.