happy past year? doesn’t matter now. happy new year!!!

I have always wrote from Syria and always wanted people to read my posts because they were honest thoughts from someone who is in Syria, someone who no one actually cared about what she is thinking or what she is suffering… now, I am not in Syria. I ran away from that place that made me suffer a lot. The place that made me lose some precious years without even noticing. But just this morning I was thinking of my life since 2011… since I graduated as an architect, I could do nothing really valuable neither for my career nor for my future in general. But however, I am proud of myself. Actually I am very proud of how I stood strong, or how I faked being strong until I could actually be strong even if this strength is built over a pile of fragile moments.

Let me tell you something my friends; we all need love, depression, and war in our lives to peel our skin a layer over another, and to tear our hearts into pieces until we are nothing but a lonesome weak naked soul standing face to face with itself… then this soul must make a decision, what is it actually that you want in this life… what is it that missing piece of you that makes you don’t want to wake up and live another day…

On September 2013 after a whole year of depression and lack of enthusiasm, I was sitting on a balcony gazing into the horizon and listening to Frank Sinatra. It was drizzling and the breezes came straight from heaven, it wasn’t hot or cold. For a long time I thought I didn’t breath. I inhaled all the air in the balcony. My lungs expanded until I felt all my body is lungs now, it is all full of this air, and it hits me in the core that I am alive.

I WANT TO BE HAPPY!

That was the thought I had in my head back then. Life is too precious to waste such a heavenly breeze go without being taken by its beauty. I want to breathe. I want to inhale all the happiness in this world and not exhale it until maybe I explode of happiness!

That is a decision you make. It is something that enlightens you and once you reach the happiness you were looking for you don’t regret any of those moments when you were dead inside, because out of death comes an enlightened  life only when this moment of clarity soothes  your body.

I tried to do everything to set me free from all the shi* around… I created my own bubble and lived in ignorance about everything happening around. I don’t need to know about people dying by poverty or war or anything. I meditated, I expanded, I made my self be aware of my soul and how I can be in control of my destiny which is something I wish I knew a long time ago, but this is how I was supposed to learn…

Was living in this bubble enough? Yes for a while but then war is like water, unpreventable and unstoppable… In one week I decided to pack and leave this country torn into pieces before I am torn like it… I don’t know where or how I am just looking for happiness… not the fragile happiness I am making up, No , a real one, an unbreakable one…

Now that I left, and found a job and bla bla bla … am I happy? Am I a “Runner away” ? do I always run away thinking I will find it? I don’t know… is this an unbreakable real happiness? I don’t know. I think happiness is also like water, it doesn’t have a shape, a smell, or a color and as a group of small drops make the river, so is happiness, a series of warm moments. sometimes it is to catch a beautiful view while walking.

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it is the end of the year and I was just arranging some memories and thoughts from the past few years in my head trying to come up with a conclusion, but as always I am not sure of anything, I am still composing my theory about happiness, and I know it will never be complete… Never.

Happy new year my friends!

 

 

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11 thoughts on “happy past year? doesn’t matter now. happy new year!!!

  1. Happy New Year! Following you from a distance, all we have ever hoped for is your safety. That’s what war means to outsiders. It’s a given that we don’t have the facts, at least not a complete set. We simply know someone who we don’t want to see get hurt. I don’t think leaving Syria equals “running away” Rather, it was the best of what seemed like a shrinking number of choices. My paternal ancestors left Syria for different reasons that aren’t so different. Their choice, and your choice took courage. Success will take hard work. You left Syria, but you undoubtedly took a part of it with you. We will continue to keep you in our thoughts and prayers and we wish you a happy, healthy and safe new year!

    • Thank you very much dear 🙂 I actually have settled down and found a job so if you visit Turkey anytime soon I hope you know you have a friend here 🙂 and also I wish to read your ancestors’ story some day to know more about their experience.

  2. I know there are those who say happiness is not about geography, but in your case I would imagine it has a lot to do with it. I am so glad you are somewhere else at last, and I am sure if you embrace the future with the same courage you will find all that you seek. Best wishes for that brave New Year!

    • many thanks to you 🙂 I haven’t logged in since a while and whenever I need a push I log in here to read encouraging words of yours and the other friends. thank you

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