If you want to go on, you just need to focus

Just a normal morning… I woke up, had my shower, picked up my stuff, and went out. Just when I reached the door I remembered my silver bracelet that was given to me from someone I love very much… I thought it would look nice with my white formal blouse. I am going tonight to a concert in the opera house after I finish my work and I need to look elegant. I got back, put on my bracelet and headed out fast enough to reach on time. Just when I reached my office I noticed that my bracelet is not in my hand! Oh!! What a morning! Where is it! I can’t lose it is very very valuable to me, it means a lot! I felt that this day couldn’t get any worse. I looked everywhere in my bag but couldn’t find anything. That made me so sad that I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I just finished my work silently with my frowning face. At about 11 am I decided to go back home (which is 10 minutes far from my office) and look for it. Oh it is damn hot out there! The sun is melting my head, and no car is allowed to enter the campus (where I work) but it is ok as long as there is a chance I can find my bracelet. I looked for it in the streets where I walked, in my room, and even in the toilet but I couldn’t find it, and I became sadder. I got back to my office with a more grumpy face. I decided to check my facebook to avoid talking to my colleagues… but then I saw a post by my friend who is a journalist mourning a friend of her, he is a friend of many of my friends but I don’t personally know him and he is also a journalist… I gazed in his photo, his face is familiar. He looks like many young people here who were devoured by war, enthusiastic, strong, ambitious, and ready for the fight… iron men. It is aching actually to see these faces and read about them after they are gone away. I opened his page and read his posts. Just few days ago he wrote that there is no grave that is more merciful than the soil of my country! … Is it a matter of being ready to die?! Do we call death towards us when we are ready for it? Is death

such a respectful and compassionate friend? I don’t know… but if this is the case then I shouldn’t worry, I am so not ready to go there. I logged out, because two years ago I decided to close my eyes on other people’s agony and just focus on my own will and feelings. Most people say that is too selfish but trust me this is the only way you can go on and keep your sanity untouched.

I was silent and unhappy. Even when you decide that you don’t want to see the chaos around you, you still can’t fully close your eyes, and to be honest I was still thinking of my silver bracelet! I knew it will be found for sure but still, it is from my lovely friend and it is valuable for me! For my surprise, she is just calling me, and I was not in the mood to say any word. She sounded normal at first, but then after my silence she said, “Three mortar shells were hit around my work place today, 2 UN security officers and 2 dustmen were injured”…

I didn’t know what to say… the first word I said was “Fu** this country” my dear friend laughed and said back “ok fu** this country”. I knew she was fine, but I still couldn’t decide what my feelings were. Well fu** everything at least my dearest friend is ok! Just when I knew that I lost my bracelet I said “Oh, this day couldn’t get any worse!” then life showed me how it could have got much much worse, but it decided to be generous to me. This is how you learn to focus on your own will, your own life, your own family and beloved only in such a chaos without it being selfish at all…

My friend said at the end of the call, are you wearing elegant formal clothes? Because we are still going to the concert tonight. I said; yes I think they are formal enough with no accessories…

don't worry

don’t worry

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a post that has no title, and no meaning

I am leaving this country as soon as possible…

A thought that filled my mind for moments. I don’t remember how many seconds or minuets or maybe hours I heard this sentence swinging between my ears,  In that place where I used to have a clear brain and smart ideas while now it looks exactly like Damascus; a complex of unfitting elements and colorless buildings.8f0471c7185d925a4d9326426cc3dd04

I am leaving… somehow somewhere. I only have this will now that is not figured out. It hit me just when I was running down the street of Babtooma (the old city) praying to god despite my agnostic belief to live one more day. I heard the noise of mortars near, I held my breath and held my friend’s hand. She told me that’s normal don’t worry it always happens here. I looked around, the streets were not crowded as always and there were that girl wearing a summer hat and walking slowly like nothing is wrong and talking on her cell phone. we were about to go to the main street when a soldier ordered us to walk through another way and stay near the wall… that is when my knees became weaker … why near the wall, because it’s safer. My friend kept telling me “that’s normal, why are you afraid?” … I knew that was normal, I mean for god’s sake we are in war and you never know when things can get crazy for five minutes and then it gets normal for the rest of the day… just five minutes that don’t matter in a normal day, but it can make a lot of change in a country like mine. It’s not that we make a big deal out of our time; we are people who can live ten years without changing our breakfast meal or the road we take to work, but seriously five minutes can matter more than ten years here.

While walking near the wall I told my friend “I don’t want to die today, or any soon” she smiled, then we reached the main square, ran to a taxi and got away of this place. My friend laughed at me and said I am a rabbit.I thought to myself, seriously why was I scared! I wasn’t like this before, it was just an ordinary mortar shelling like the normal days, but I am not the same anymore.

I realized that I want to live more and experience life… real life not this one I am living. I want to know how it feels to wake up and go to work not worried about which road has less snipers or less mortars.

How it feels to walk in a city that has no check points or soldiers.

How it feels to plan your vacation.

How it feels to stay out late in the night and be able to get back home without being worried?

How it feels to sit in a park and talk to a stranger without him wanting to know about your religion or your political views?

How it feels to take a photograph anywhere any time.

How it feels to be free, to be fearless, and to be light…

How to be happy… really happy without that deep deep feeling inside that something wrong may happen in any moment.

I always said; If you can’t be happy here, you can’t be happy anywhere, but everyone who ever knew me knows that I was never a sure person, never. But for now I want to leave and also I am not sure about that, not sure how, not sure when…