on this land…

on this land, there are always reasons to make us want to live..

– a music note that makes your pupil tremble ..
– a songe that takes us back to those days when we had no memories yet to remember
– a poem , a passionate one born from the aisles of this city,
from its breath in the morning that keeps going louder as our steps whisper uncountable stories straight in its mind
– a sun ray , a playful one, that plays with each cloud as though it was its one and only lover
that makes each cloud shine like a queen
and makes its cheeks blush and sparkle..
dress it a golden dress and then leaves her alone with her dreams to bare this long night..
– a free cloud , that cloud in love with the sun ray knowing it will comeback tomorrow but waiting is not on her list
– a close cloud that longs to hold the earth
– a feeling that couldn’t be written or said , that only shows in the eyes
– a feeling that makes your soul fly to that close cloud
– another soul that can touch the invisible with you and melts in this beauty.. a hand and a telepathy
– a fresh cold breeze carrying the smell of snow…
– a song called La vie en rose in all languages 🙂

we were in a bus, my friend and I, listening to music and watching the sky getting ready to snow
time had stopped for moments when all that beauty around us showed from behind a hill …
i could remember many words I have read or heard before, like:

time s an illusion, yes it is , today i felt it
happiness does exist.. yes when you are a beauty and happiness seeker
if your brain is silent and you are an observor of this universe.
beauty is in the eyes of the observer , yes we almost cried while watching the sky while everybody else was looking like WTF it is going to rain 🙂

they say God is in the details , and yes those details made my day

and the most important of all was:
this time will pass, yes it passed .. and
your pain won’t last forever , now i say yes it won’t.. I am here and not in pain,
no i said it wrong, I am here and I am aligned with who i am .. I am in peace

when i got down the bus and left my friend i wrote on my facebook:
on this land, there are always reasons to make us want to live
and weirdly i knew later that she wrote the same sentence in her diary notebook…

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a new day has come !

It was 11 pm, Wednesday night, I was in my bed next to the large window trying to sleep while the full moon was sending its light through the bushes to my room. It was a perfect starry night.. I closed my eyes, then  in the moment my brain gave up and decided to let go of everything and sleep, my heart jumped and I opened my eyes on a sound that I recognized few moments later, that was a sound of shooting outside not very far from home … then I thought to myself “oh since when this sound scares me! It looks like we have been safe for too long that I almost forgot this noise” .. I closed my eyes again, smiled in ease and sailed..

Next morning :

I woke up with a plan in my head…

I will go to the doctor for a consultancy – I will go shopping ❤ – then I will buy some books then I will meet my sister who left home for exams  few minutes before and have dinner somewhere out .. I am energetic today .. but first of all I will have my sacred morning coffee. My telephone is ringing, and it’s my friend ! oh we haven’t talked since quite a while maybe I meet her today as well .. what a lovely shiny day … but strangely my friend is asked me about my sister who has exams today, and that was a bit weird at that moment of the morning. Then she told me that the city is being hit by mortars since half an hour and the university of Damascus received a big share of these mortars and Katiosha missiles…

I was silent ….

I could hear my heart beat faster and my knees tremble .. I sat down and said in a pale voice “thank you for letting me know I will check now what is happening” …FB_IMG_1423241732757

I called my sister, she told me they canceled the exam and they are stuck in the university building not able to go out until things calm down…  on my chair a wept for that feeling I had last night .. we have been safe for a long time and that was over …

During this time my sister  Mia in the yard of her college was looking for a safe place to stay after 3 mortars fell close to her place.

Sister :

I am not afraid, I was telling myself this sentence over and over again but staring at panicked people is what really scaring me. People were running to the nowhere and I was walking in the opposite direction I wished at that moment I could stop anyone and ask why they were running that way .. among all this craziness that hits the crowds in such moments I noticed a more crazy scene in the street, while people were running a man was standing in front of his shop and shouting “you can by any socks you want by only 100 Syrian pounds!!” seriously that man was trying to sell socks in the middle of this!

I had no idea what was running in my head , I thought to myself I need to send a message to my love.. what if that was my last message to him I must choose my words to be perfect .. what can I say ? or maybe I should call .. no no a message is better I will say the nicest words I have in my mind … at last, my message was “good morning sweetheart, have a good day”.

The way from the yard to the building seemed like a whole life.. at those moments, I felt that nothing matters at all.. nothing can make me feel sad or regret now .. another mortar fell near , no one was hit… no hate in my heart not even for the man sending these things … I am in the building now … waiting and waiting ..thinking and thinking … I really don’t feel heavy or angry. I just have a vast great feeling which is the feeling of (knowing) something you don’t know but it is disguised like calmness… something indescribable.

I decided at last that I can’t stay a single moment more I am going back home, it sounds a bit more calm now I am running out, most people decided to stay . I took a taxi whose driver was also trying to run away somewhere  and  got back home. When I arrived I saw my sister looking from the window, I  smiled and felt grateful ..…

I wouldn’t choose to live this experience in advance but now that I lived it I am grateful for this opportunity I have got to expand , to know, and to get back home safe.

Me :

My sister is getting down from the taxi.  She is ok and smiling. all she wanted in the morning was to finish this exam and after an hour all she wanted was to live for another day .. from the window I noticed my narcissus flower  blossomed maybe few days ago and I didn’t notice that before .. it is my lucky flower I planted two years ago.

The funny part of this day was when later in the evening I watched a movie by Tom Hanks “cast away” and it is a movie I like to watch over and over again … Wilson the ball sank in the ocean and Tom cried a lot for losing his best friend (which is actually a ball not a human) .. the scene was too emotional and I almost cried.. well ..  in the morning Katiosha missiles and

Wilson

Wilson

mortars were everywhere .. 11 people died and many many others were wounded ,  I didn’t even want to watch the news , and in the evening I am here,  sympathizing with Wilson and almost cried for this ball sinking in the ocean … ironic enough

The mortars were hit on the capital Damascus as promised by the leader of one of the militias in east Ghota to revenge from Assad’s regime and military. So this so called leader hit all the city. schools, universities, churches, random streets claiming that was a military zone.