On this cold evening, there’s still time for memories and some good oriental music (Naseer shamma). So the scene is like this, my laptop is in front of me, the sound of oud is near and tender, the sound of war is far a little bit but not as far as the sound of peace, I am staring at the white ceiling with a blank mind. Then this image of my memory popped up :
When I was a little girl there were that Chinese cartoon movie I liked very much and watched it over and over again. It starts with the daily life of a little family , two little girls and their parents. They were naughty happy girls, until the war came to their city .. I remember how I watched this movie every time with tears filling my eyes for these girls. When the war came they had to leave their home which was taken by the enemy and I can see in my head now the part that made me always cry when the little sister died of fever because they couldn’t find a doctor or medicine for her.
Oh God! While I’m staring at the ceiling, listening to oriental music I recalled this Chinese movie that I used to watch FIFTEEN years ago .
At that time I always imagined these girls as me and my sister and maybe that’s why I cried too much watching that movie. I thought if war ever came to my country I’ll never leave my sister because she might die like this in the movie, if she dies I will die too. And I thought; what do people do in war , how do they live, can they still watch cartoon ? oh I wish war doesn’t come here because I love cartoon too much and if I had to leave I won’t be able to watch .
I am smiling now, cartoon and my sister were all that mattered at that time.
I still don’t have a full answer for that little girl that was me, but I know I won’t die when someone I love dies, I continue living stolidly , I wake up every day , look around , recognize where I am, and recall in my mind that they’re not there anymore .. but dear little girl you may watch or not watch cartoon and that won’t matter much.
Dear little me, you may listen to music in war, you may sing, you may runaway, you may lose people you love, you may cry and be torn apart, you may die a thousand time and revive again, you may hide your head under the pillow when the clashes get closer.. you also may choose to stop feeling, you see a dead body and don’t show emotions but still cry when you watch a sad movie. You surely will become another person .. a stronger from the outside and fragile inside,
Dear little me, you will always have a tear waiting in your eyelid to be dropped, And you will always choose to keep it for you know you will need more tears in the future.
But keep it in your mind sweetie, you won’t die unless you choose to die, and this choice is always available.